And when I say rough I mean daily:
down in the trenches,
on my knees,
cryin in the shower,
walking through the desert,
fetal position in the corner,
rethinking every life decision I've ever made,
no words left to even try to explain it,
crying out to my ever lovin Savior
Most days when I woke up I just couldn't fathom how I would make it to the end of the day to be able to slither back into the bed under the covers and try to forget about it all again. I felt like I was being hit from every direction. Relationships with boys (I broke it off with my boyfriend on NYE last year....great timing, I know), relationships with girlfriends, relationships with family, struggles at work, financial decisions, health concerns and major life decisions.
Some things that only a few of my closest friends know about, and those girls have rallied around me with prayers and cried with me for months now. Other things that not even those girls know about and I have carried deep within myself still not ready to share with anyone. It has been a heavy year.
I've given up the response of "I'm fine" and have whole heartedly adopted "I just need a WIN"!
In the beginning of the year I wrote in large letters on bathroom mirror the word ENOUGH! It was supposed to act as a reminder that even if I didn't ever get the life that I had imagine for myself (if I was never married, if I never had children, if I never had a job that I loved, etc.) that God was enough. Everyday for a year now I have looked at that word and thought about how God, Jesus' sacrifice, needs to be enough for me. I honestly still can't say that He is. I want Him to be. But in my heart I know that I still desire those things just as much, and sometimes more, than I desire Him.
I've decided to leave ENOUGH on my mirror to keep focusing on making Him enough. But going forward I've chosen two verses for this year as well.
Those who sow with tears
shall reap with rejoicing
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
See I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
These are the promises I am holding fast to for the coming year! I am praying for a WIN in 2014. I am praying for lots of WINS! For streams in my desert and rejoicing after all of my tears.