Emma Juliet Bray

On November 3 Emma Juliet Bray made her entrance into the world. The daughter of my college friend Katie and her husband Jason, Emma is perfect in every way.

Sara and I were able to meet sweet Emma the next day.

The new mama and her sweet baby girl!

I love this picture of Sara!

The sweet girl 2 weeks later at our second visit! What a beautiful baby girl!

Some cuddle time with baby Emma. She is probably the most laid back baby I've ever seen. Always happy as long as she's being cuddled!

New Years Resolutions

It's a long post, but its my life! I dare you to read it all!

It's the time of year that everyone starts talking about New Year's Resolutions.

It's also about 2 weeks before the time of year where everyone starts to fail at their New Year's Resolutions.

With these two points in mind, I decided to NOT make any resolutions but, instead, to look up the definition of a resolution and really think about what it meant.

Here are two of the definitions that stuck out to me.

Merriam-Webster

resolution:

1) the act or process of resolving; a:the act of analyzing a complex notion into simpler ones

5) the point in a literary work at which the chief dramatic complication is worked out

This got me thinking about my last year and how it would affect any resolutions I did end up making. Those of you reading this probably know about most of it but some if this will be a little bit of a truth tell.

Honestly, this last year has probably been one of the hardest of my life. I joke with my roommate that if I can make it through 2009 (now only hours left) then I can make it through anything.

In the end of 2008 I lived with my sister for about 6 weeks before moving back to NC. I was thrilled to finally be moving "home" but it turned out to be harder than I'd ever expected. I found myself having an incredible amout of difficulty incorporating my "new" life:

the fact that I was still a student and had to study all night on top of working all day

into my "old" life:

getting to hang out with friends whenever I wanted, care free and extremely social

The struggle overwhelmed me and I found myself, more and more, pulling away and becoming extremely uncofortalbe in almost any social situation. I was exhausted and confused and overwhelmed. And no one seemed to understand. It was eaiser to just hide from it all. So I stopped....almost everything, almost all together.

The close of 2008 had brought illness to my sister, who spent the better part of December and January in and out of the hospital. Just as she began to take a turn for the better I got the call that my dad was sick.

Something that we'd all hoped would resolve within a month or two took almost the entire year. Enduring tests and treatments and eventually going to a specialist in California, there were times that I honestly couldn't imagine that he would ever get better. I watched as his body thinned and his muscles weakend and he became depressed and overwhelmed with anxiety. I spent my entire life feeling hurt by this man, and at the same time longing for nothing more than his love and approval. And now I was terrified of losing him.

I tried as hard as I could to put on a brave face. But inside I was crumbling.

In the beginning of July I got another horrible phone call. This one even worse than the first. My uncle had taken his own life. He'd been overwhelmed with life and medical complications and saw no other option to end the pain he was feeling.

Deep inside, the worst part was that I feared my father would do the same thing.

To make matters worse, the master's program I was attending (and only about 6 weeks from finishing) basically gave me an ultimatum. I could go to my uncle's funeral (missing only 1 day of class) or I could stay and they would let me graduate. Not exactly a "choice".

At this point I all but shut down. I started having horrible panic attacks. I cried constantly (but only in the privacy of my own room when I was by myself). Even something as familiar as going to church made my heart race and would make me gasp for breath that I just couldn't catch. Looking someone in the eye and having a real conversation with them terrified me.

In the middle of August I finally graduated with my Masters. My dad, weak as he was, made the trip to Philadelphia for the graduation and I was so happy to have him there. Not long after, he made the trip to CA, spending about 4 weeks getting treatments, and making some HUGE improvements in his condition. He returned home in order to regain as much strength as possible and was, amazingly, able to return to work the week before Thanksgiving.

In October I took my boards and walked out of the exam, tears filling my eyes, knowing that I had failed. I prayed for a miracle every waking minute. And only 2 days later I got a miracle in the form of an email letting me know I'd passed.

And now:

My sister is doing well. She will finish her residency in the spring and has accepted a position as a pediatrian at a hospital in Lancaster, PA.

My dad is also doing well. He regains strength little by little and is back to work! While he isn't 100% better, he is a thousand time improved!

Not a day goes by that I don't think about my uncle. His life and service to others was celebrated at the funeral. And though I wasn't able to be there physically, I remember him daily on my own.

And as for me....the anxiety attacks are ALMOST completely gone, thanks to nothing else but God who gives me no more than I can handle and who makes my yoke easy, and my burden light...if only i'd let Him.

I continue to search for a job and am hopeful that something will come very soon. I struggle daily to trust in His perfect plan.

I've chosen to spend my social time more wisely. More time with true friends and less time trying to make it to all of the social events. In the last 2 or 3 months the majority of my time has been filled with quality time with girlfriends (and often with their boyfriends or husbands and babies). And this time has been so much sweeter and such a blessing!

So now I look back to the "resolution". I think that I will NOT make any New Year's resolutions in the traditional sense. Instead, I look to resolve in the way it is defined.

My resolutions are hopes. Hopes that there is health and happines throughout my family. Hope that the "dramatic complications" of the year will be "worked out". Hopes that all of these "complex notions will be turned to simpler ones".

Hope for joy and trust and fullfillment and peace in none other than my Savior!

To desire only His love and approval.

The day before...

So this post is a little late....

But better late than never! Right?

The day before Jay and Laura's wedding we went to the NC State Fair.

This was my first of three trips this year!!!

Here are a few, strike that, a lot of pictures from the day

The happy couple, on our way in!

Chicken Fried Bacon? Seriously? I also heard rumors of chocolate dipped bacon.

Laura and I with our yummy corn!

Laura enjoying some deep fried oreo's

How can you go to the fair without seeing the baby piggies. I think there were 7 of them piled into this little bucket.

Andrea and I with a "healthy" treat, deep fried veggies!

Little Man Eli and me as we wait for the pig races to start

Jay with Laura (and Jay's) nephew on the ferris wheel.

Last, but not least, we stopped at the Old grist to get our free hush puppy!

What a fun day. We had great weather and got to see tons of friends while doing our favorite thing of the whole year! We LOVE the fair!

Tacky Tinsel Tour 2009

So, its been just about exactly one year sine my last Tacky Tinsel Tour post.

Last Friday night we had the 5th annual tour. This year the weather forgot to cooperate. It started snowing that afternoon and by the time we all arrived in Virginia (aka Su-Anne and Erin's place in North Raleigh) it was half sleeting half raining. For about half a second we considered not even going out for the tour, but oh am I glad that we did.

It rained the entire time so we didn't get out of the cars to take any pictures. But here is a picture of me and my car buddies Jason and Becca Redmond. Jason Estes and Su-Anne drove but I forgot to get a picture. Oops.

Here is a picture of Karoline and I in our "Tacky" outfits. We worked long and hard on these fashion forward pieces. The lettering on the front reads "Jesus is the reason for the season y'all"! These matching beauties were quite a hit at the party!

And last but not least is the most dashing and adorable Jay and Laura Veverka. A stunning sight if I've ever seen one. Laura with those fargyle socks (fake argyle) and Jay with those stunning lederhosen-esque (did I spell that right?) clad legs. This image is burned into my brain for eternity.

We rounded out the evening with a viewing of the movie ELF. Always a classic (or at least since it came out 6 years ago). It was a fun evening with good friends. Can't wait until the 6th annual tour!

Goals

Goals are good. Realistic goals are even better. Achieving those realistic goals, the best. I however, have accomplished none of this.

I'm a fail blogger. or at least I fail at blogging.

It is not for lack of effort or intention.

So, here I go again. I'm trying!

Jingle Ball 2009

The Jingle Ball is a Toy-raising event held in Raleigh every year that benefits the Salvation Army. This was the second year I have gone. Your admission to the party is to bring a toy and then once in they have dinner, drinks, a live band and a dj. It's always a fun time and another excuse to dress up and go dancing. Here's a few pictures from the evening!

Some of the group that went with us

Su-Anne and I (only about 1/4 of all the toys behind us)

Bobby and me

my sweet friend Susan and me

Maria, Meg (we're gonna miss you girl), me and Su-Anne

One crazy (expensive) day....

I shouldn't have been surprised that may day took a turn in a different direction than I had expected.  For me, the unexpected is pretty much the norm.  

I had to laugh when I was headed across town to get my oil changed.  I rolled up to a stop light and looked out my window to the left.  I found my self looking at a 20'something light brown haired girl in a black CR-V with an Elon Alum sticker and a Steelers sticker plastered on the back.  She smiled at me and I smiled back as did a double take.  Was I looking at myself, just with more flair?

Too weird.

I continued on to the Honda dealership where I get my oil changed - 

Let me interject here and calm all of you who are now jumping out of your skin ready to yell at me for taking my car to a dealer for a simple oil change.  Back when I had my Subaru I, mistakenly, took it to an "oil change" center where they proceeded to cut my fuel line and then tell me I didn't know what I was talking about when I told them it was the fuel line.  After reassuring the tech that I was not an idiot like he preconceived I was simply because I was a woman, he realized that he did, indeed, cut the fuel line.  They, of course, did not have the correct part to fix this problem so the trip turned into an all afternoon escapade while they tracked down correct part to fix the mistake.  For the next few years that I owned that car, without fail, it always had a faint smell of fuel leaking when I started it up.  Therefore, I have trust issues about taking my car to anywhere except the dealer for any kind of maintenance.

Back to the story....So I rolled up to the dealership where Melanie, my tech, greeted me and started to check my car in.  She kindly brought to my attention that my car inspection was overdue (by about 9 months) and offered to do that today as well. 

Why thank you Melanie, I would love to have the taken care of.  So the bill went from $35 to $65....Not too bad. 

Then Melanie, again quite kindly, brought to my attention the fact that my registration was also overdue.  Hmmm....guess I'll have to get that taken care of. 

An hour later and the oil change and inspection are finished.  

$65...cha ching!  

On to the DMV where I stood in line for 15 minutes in order to be told I was in the wrong place. 

On to the license plate center where I was in the correct place, but couldn't get my registration quite yet.  The rep there (I didn't catch her name) was just as kind as Melanie in brining to my attention the fact that I hadn't paid my car taxes last year, and without doing this I wouldn't be able to get my new registration.  Wonderful.  

Called the tax office where I was informed that my back taxes, in the amount of $271, could easily be paid over the phone.  

$271...cha ching!

Back in line and now all ready to get my new registration.  

$33...cha ching. 

So now I'm back home.  My afternoon went from expecting to spend about $35 to almost $400.  

The best part, since everything was overdue, and I was supposed to have done it all last September, I get to do it all over again THIS september!  woo hoo!

At least I'll be safe and legal for my drive to Phily tomorrow!

"House" Fire (from April 14th)

So I got a call this afternoon from my father. I can always tell when there is something wrong. It only takes about one word and I can tell in his voice. So the conversation went something like this.
Me: Hello?!?
Dad: Hey
Me: Something's wrong isn't it?
Dad: Well, yea, but don't worry, everyone is fine. 

He proceeded to tell me that around 3:30 this morning their garage caught on fire. Fortunately my parents live in the city in a Rowe house which means that the garage is NOT attached to the main house. There was absolutely NO damage to the main house. Unfortunately, just like all of the houses are attached on the side walls, all of the garages are also attached. My parents garage burnt completely, taking with it one of the cars. My dad tried to describe it as looking like one of those pictures you see from Iraq where a car bomb went off. My step sister sent me a picture later today and his description is quite right. There was also some damage to one of the next door neighbors garage and a garage across the back alley.

Praise the Lord that no one was hurt. Rowe houses are right up next to each other and there isn't much space in the back alley between one back yard and another. A fire as big as this one could have very easily spread to homes but it didn't!!!!!

My parents bought the house about 6 years ago and gutted and rebuilt it. The only part of the property that hasn't had ANY work was the garage. So thankfully NO new construction was damaged. But in the coming weeks they will be dealing with an investigation to figure out how the fire started, insurance hassels, and eventually rebuilding. 

Please pray for them during this trying time.

This is a picture of the car in what was the garage.  It used to be a Toyota MR2 Spyder convertible.

One of those days!

It was one of those days...

I should have known it would be when I was about an hour late going to bed last night.

And then I had to get up 30 minutes early this morning to take my roommate to drop her car off at the dealership.

Around 9:30 I was standing in an exam room seeing a patient (about my 6th of the day). 

I reached up and placed my hand on the collar of my shirt

At which point I realized I was touching the tag.....WHAT?

Yes, I had my shirt on backwards, and it had been like that ALL MORNING!  It took all I had to contain my laughter and pay attention to my patient.

What's worse.  I had to see 2 more patients after that before I had a long enough break to run and put my shirt on correctly.

It was one of those days!

Overwhelmed

I spent most of last week in Philadelphia.  It was my EOR week (End Of Rotation) which entailed a 7 hour drive up Tuesday, a solid day of studying and preparing on Wednesday, exam and lectures on Thursday, a presentation and lectures on Friday, and then an 8 hour drive home Friday night (for some reason the drive home ALWAYS takes longer).

I always look forward to the weekend after an EOR week.  I get to come back to NC and spend an entire weekend NOT doing school work.  I always give myself those two days to forget about school work, stay out late, watch as much TV as I want, etc.  And I usually have a really great time doing it.  It's such a break and a load off and I finally feel like I can breath again, for at least a few days.

For some reason this weekend has been a really difficult one for me though.  On Saturday morning I helped my friend Jay move (I think this was the 800th time I've helped him move but he always helps me so we're even), then I went walking at the lake with my friend Terri and then out to dinner at Dos Taquitos with a few friends for some good Mexican chow and some tasty Margaritas.  All in all it was a pretty good day but I just felt really tense the whole time.   On Sunday I went to church, Sunday School, came home and rested a bit before going to play Ultimate, back to church for evening service, to the grocery store and then home for the night.  Again, not a bad day but I've felt really tense frustrated all day.  

This morning George preached on James 2 and about growing through trials and relying on God.  I can't help but feel like God is trying to grow me through some personal trials.  I'm just not sure yet what that growth is going to be about. 

Prayers for a better attitude and patience and dedication over the next 4 months till the end of school is much appreciated!

Holiday Attitude

I have a bad attitude about holidays.  There, I said it.  

I actually really love the significance of most holidays but have found myself getting more and more cynical about them because I feel like I spend most of my holidays alone.  When I was little my family celebrated the big holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving and birthdays.  But my family aren't believers and so they don't celebrate for reasons  I do and, little by little, what celebrating we did do faded away.  

Christmas at home is now spent going to neighborhood parties.

Thanksgiving is just another meal.

Haven't had a Valentine for almost 10 years.  Yikes!

Birthdays are a big deal if I even get a phone call from family. 

Easter isn't celebrated at all.

To be completely honest, I haven't gone home for a holiday in over a year because it tends to be a little more depressing for me than celebratory.  

So, like always, I started getting a little cynical as Easter approached this year.  All my friends started telling me of their plans to go home and do traditional things with their families, go to church together, get cute easter dresses for their babies, etc. etc.  

Two friends, however, gave me a really good wake up call on my perspective.  My friend Bryan did actually go home but said that she would have rather stayed here in Raleigh where she could go to the church that she loved and be with the friends she knew loved her.  Then I ran into my friend Ben this afternoon.  When I asked him why he wasn't at home with his own family (only an hours drive from Raleigh) he explained that Providence was the church he considered his own and that's where he wanted to be for Easter.  

If I'd gone home for Easter, I probably wouldn't have made it to church, and even if I did it wouldn't have been a church I called home.  I also wouldn't have been able to spend the afternoon with all of my friends and celebrate a meal together like I did.  

So, I'm trying to have a better attitude and be thankful that I got to spend Easter at an AMAZING church I that consider home celebrating my risen LORD and spend a good portion of the day with friends.  

So Ben and Bryan...Thanks for the perspective!

last few pictures

Me and Tricia at her wedding.  What a beautiful bride.

The roomie and I at Tricia and Dave's wedding.

My other roomie, Amy, got free tickets to another Canes game but she couldn't go so she gave them to me.  Lucky for me it ended up being me and the boys (none of the girls could go).  L to R: Ben, Mike, Me, Travis.  The seats were incredible and we won 9-0.  So much fun!

More pictures

All the girls for Shannon's suprise Karaoke birthday party.

Sus and I at a Canes game!  She got us free tickets from work.  They lost but we still had fun.

The fish cupcakes I made for Alison's baby shower.  I think they came out pretty cute!

All the girls at the baby shower.  Basically an Elon reunion.

Terri and I at her birthday dinner.  

Random pictures from the last 3 months

Instead of boring you with long posts about each event I'm just going to post some of my favorite pictures from the last 3 months that you haven't seen yet!

Erin and I at the Super Bowl Party.  Love having another Pgh girl here to celebrate with me!

Bryan and I baking cookies for an outreach!

Erin and I at Snowshoe....not only is she from Pgh but we always ski together too!

The view out the back door of our condo.  Ski in/ski out....very nice!

Bobby, Karoline and I...I think this was a Christmas potluck or something...I seriously can't remember!

The non-blogging blogger

so, I am a self proclaimed Non-Blogging Blogger.  I LOVE to read other peoples blogs and actually LOVE for other people to read my blog.  For some reason, though, I have the hardest time actually BLOGGING!  I don't know if it has more to do with lack of time or a bit of a perfectionist problem.  See, I've been told that one of the problems of a perfectionist is that they won't start or finish tasks if they don't feel like they can do a PERFECT job of the task.  This is definitely an issue for me.  One thing I do know is that my non-blogging is NOT for lack of things to say.  

I think I've had the attitude that every blog post has to be about something life changing or have some fantastic pictures to go along with it.  So, instead, I am going to try to focus on just blogging SOMETHING at least once a week.  Sorry if you get bored reading or if not every post has a picture but this is my own challenge to myself.  

Happy reading.  

today's bloodshed

Sorry if the picture grosses anyone out....but that's what i looked like today.

The last two weeks on my surgery rotation have been pretty hectic.  I have been working about 10 hours a day and assisting about 3-4 cases a day.   Everything usually goes smoothly but today was a little different.  

We were actually consulted on a woman in the MICU who apparently had a hole in her dialysis graft in her arm.  By the time we got to the room the bed was pretty soaked in blood and there was a nurse holding pressure on the graft so the woman didn't bleed out.  After a quick lookover the surgeon I was with decided he thought he could ligate it (tie it off so it stopped bleeding) while I held pressure.  He got the first stitch in and asked me to let up off the graft to see if the first stitch had done the trick.   IT HAD NOT!  Imagine a pulsating hose squirting right into your face.  Except it's not water coming at you, it's blood.  The surgeon and I were gushed at from head to toe.  PTL we were wearing gowns and facemasks with eye shields so no blood got in our eyes or on our skin or anything.  I quickly put pressure back on her arm to stop the squirting, a nurse kindly wiped off my eye shield so I could see again, and I looked at the surgeon and said "whoa, that made me a little nervous"!  After he finished laughing he finished tying off the graft so it actually didn't bleed anymore.  

The poor woman was so sick and delerious she had no clue what was going on.  She kept rotating between yelling three things at us...."you're killing me"...."please Jesus, don't let me die"....and "can I have a drink of water".  

I left the room and went to change out of my bloody scrubs into nice clean ones.  Good times!

C-section X 3

On Monday I finished up my OB-Gyn rotation.  Admittedly I was a little disappointed that I had not been to many deliveries and hadn't been to ANY c-sections.  I did a lot of OB care in the office but just hadn't had many opportunities to get to the deliveries.  I looked on the OR schedule that Monday just to see if anything interesting was coming up during the week.  Lo and behold, one of the docs had a c-section scheduled for Tuesday morning....and it was to deliver TRIPLETS!!! 

I had already planned on leaving Tuesday morning to drive to Phily for end of rotation exams, but I figured that if the doc would allow me to come to the delivery, I would be able to get on the road a little late.  

A little to my surprise, he said "yes" and almost jumped at the opportunity to have me along (of course not forgetting to tease me about a little brown nosing since technically my rotation would already be over).  

As I tried to get ready for my trip to Phily on Monday night, the incoming snow storm loomed.  I had decided that even if it snowed like crazy I was still going in for the c-section.  When would I get this opportunity again....maybe never. 

Tuesday morning came, I still hadn't packed for my trip, and there was about 4 inches of snow on the ground (enough to literally put NC in a state of emergency).  I dodged crazy drivers the whole way in to the hospital at 7:30 only to find out, once I'd arrived, that we'd been pushed back until 10.  At that point I climbed back into the car, went home to pack and then hurried back to the hospital.  

The surgery was probably the bloodiest goriest thing I have ever witnessed.  It was bloodier than any trauma I had in the ER or as an EMT.  But in the end, there were these 3 perfect babies pulled out one by one.  Each little one looked up at us as it entered the world with confusion and anticipation.  Each little one started screaming loud and clear just as it was supposed to.  They were all 3 perfect.  

In the end, mom wanted her tubes tied (this was #5, 6, & 7 for her).  And the doc let me do the honors. All in all it was an incredible experience.  Then I had to leave and drive to Philly...

Big moments, hopefully not forgotten

I'm horrible at journaling.  I must have tried at least a hundred times over the last 15 years to start journaling but for some reason it just never sticks.  I read about all these historically famous people and how journaling changed there lives, or at least you can read about the changes in their lives in their journals.  Either way, I always regret the fact that I've never stuck with it.  

Over the last 6 months or so, however, there have been some incredible things happening in my life as I have been doing my rotations.  Patients I've met, procedures I've done, etc. and looking back on it, I am really sad that I haven't had a daily record of what I've been doing.  

Okay, here's where I have to admit that Grey's Anatomy has a huge part in this resurgance of regret about not journaling.  In the show Grey's Anatomy, Meredith has recently found all of these journals that her mother kept while she was a surgeon and is reading through all of these incredible experiences her mother had.  

Back to the point.  I figured I could at least blog about this stuff so later on down the line there is some record I can look back on.  Somehow blogging life experiences doesn't seem so difficult. Maybe because I feel like there's someone out there reading it and not just me writing it down to myself.  

So, next post is going to begin with my most recent big moment from rotations.  And hopefully over the next weeks and months I will add more that happen and also reflect back on some that I hope I can still remember from the last 6 months.

Jeremy's Big 3-0

December 20, 2008

On Saturday we celebrated Jeremy's 30th birthday with dinner at Bonefish Grille, and then cake and games back at our house.  It was a fun evening with good friends.

Jeremy and me at dinner

Andrew, Cindy and Sus at dinner
Laura and Bobby
Me and B-Rad

Andrew, Rob and B-Rad eating cake back at the house...mmmm cake!

Sus and Vervega
Sus, Jay and Meredith

Laura and Angie (and the Christmas tree)...all 3 looking cute.
Me and dream bobby

Class Christmas Party

December 18, 2008

On Thursday we had our annual sunday school class Christmas party.  Of course, there was the traditional white elephant gift exchange.  Some great gifts (and some not so great gifts) were circulated.  I ended up with a Starbucks gift card which I was very happy about. 

Richard ended up with the faux gold plated last supper...a treasure I found when helping a friend move about 5 years ago (Thanks Michael) that has shown up as a white elephant gift every year since.

My Ria and me!

Favorite roomie Sus and me.

Jeremy "borrowing" Ronnie's gift....

Apparently the book worked...

Steph, Bryan, Jeremy and me