New Years Resolutions

It's a long post, but its my life! I dare you to read it all!

It's the time of year that everyone starts talking about New Year's Resolutions.

It's also about 2 weeks before the time of year where everyone starts to fail at their New Year's Resolutions.

With these two points in mind, I decided to NOT make any resolutions but, instead, to look up the definition of a resolution and really think about what it meant.

Here are two of the definitions that stuck out to me.

Merriam-Webster

resolution:

1) the act or process of resolving; a:the act of analyzing a complex notion into simpler ones

5) the point in a literary work at which the chief dramatic complication is worked out

This got me thinking about my last year and how it would affect any resolutions I did end up making. Those of you reading this probably know about most of it but some if this will be a little bit of a truth tell.

Honestly, this last year has probably been one of the hardest of my life. I joke with my roommate that if I can make it through 2009 (now only hours left) then I can make it through anything.

In the end of 2008 I lived with my sister for about 6 weeks before moving back to NC. I was thrilled to finally be moving "home" but it turned out to be harder than I'd ever expected. I found myself having an incredible amout of difficulty incorporating my "new" life:

the fact that I was still a student and had to study all night on top of working all day

into my "old" life:

getting to hang out with friends whenever I wanted, care free and extremely social

The struggle overwhelmed me and I found myself, more and more, pulling away and becoming extremely uncofortalbe in almost any social situation. I was exhausted and confused and overwhelmed. And no one seemed to understand. It was eaiser to just hide from it all. So I stopped....almost everything, almost all together.

The close of 2008 had brought illness to my sister, who spent the better part of December and January in and out of the hospital. Just as she began to take a turn for the better I got the call that my dad was sick.

Something that we'd all hoped would resolve within a month or two took almost the entire year. Enduring tests and treatments and eventually going to a specialist in California, there were times that I honestly couldn't imagine that he would ever get better. I watched as his body thinned and his muscles weakend and he became depressed and overwhelmed with anxiety. I spent my entire life feeling hurt by this man, and at the same time longing for nothing more than his love and approval. And now I was terrified of losing him.

I tried as hard as I could to put on a brave face. But inside I was crumbling.

In the beginning of July I got another horrible phone call. This one even worse than the first. My uncle had taken his own life. He'd been overwhelmed with life and medical complications and saw no other option to end the pain he was feeling.

Deep inside, the worst part was that I feared my father would do the same thing.

To make matters worse, the master's program I was attending (and only about 6 weeks from finishing) basically gave me an ultimatum. I could go to my uncle's funeral (missing only 1 day of class) or I could stay and they would let me graduate. Not exactly a "choice".

At this point I all but shut down. I started having horrible panic attacks. I cried constantly (but only in the privacy of my own room when I was by myself). Even something as familiar as going to church made my heart race and would make me gasp for breath that I just couldn't catch. Looking someone in the eye and having a real conversation with them terrified me.

In the middle of August I finally graduated with my Masters. My dad, weak as he was, made the trip to Philadelphia for the graduation and I was so happy to have him there. Not long after, he made the trip to CA, spending about 4 weeks getting treatments, and making some HUGE improvements in his condition. He returned home in order to regain as much strength as possible and was, amazingly, able to return to work the week before Thanksgiving.

In October I took my boards and walked out of the exam, tears filling my eyes, knowing that I had failed. I prayed for a miracle every waking minute. And only 2 days later I got a miracle in the form of an email letting me know I'd passed.

And now:

My sister is doing well. She will finish her residency in the spring and has accepted a position as a pediatrian at a hospital in Lancaster, PA.

My dad is also doing well. He regains strength little by little and is back to work! While he isn't 100% better, he is a thousand time improved!

Not a day goes by that I don't think about my uncle. His life and service to others was celebrated at the funeral. And though I wasn't able to be there physically, I remember him daily on my own.

And as for me....the anxiety attacks are ALMOST completely gone, thanks to nothing else but God who gives me no more than I can handle and who makes my yoke easy, and my burden light...if only i'd let Him.

I continue to search for a job and am hopeful that something will come very soon. I struggle daily to trust in His perfect plan.

I've chosen to spend my social time more wisely. More time with true friends and less time trying to make it to all of the social events. In the last 2 or 3 months the majority of my time has been filled with quality time with girlfriends (and often with their boyfriends or husbands and babies). And this time has been so much sweeter and such a blessing!

So now I look back to the "resolution". I think that I will NOT make any New Year's resolutions in the traditional sense. Instead, I look to resolve in the way it is defined.

My resolutions are hopes. Hopes that there is health and happines throughout my family. Hope that the "dramatic complications" of the year will be "worked out". Hopes that all of these "complex notions will be turned to simpler ones".

Hope for joy and trust and fullfillment and peace in none other than my Savior!

To desire only His love and approval.