No photographs, please!

So I usually don't post without photographs because a picture says a thousand words and usually they're really cute too.  But tonight is a little different....

I have been working in the ED for almost 6 weeks now.  I have been in the part of the ED they call "Fast Track".  For us its the first 8 beds of the ED.  We get the non-life threatening stuff...colds, cuts, back pain, etc.  And for the most part things usually go pretty smoothly.  A few times I've helped bring a patient into the main ED for a code.  3 times in 6 weeks those patients never made it out of the room.  It's been hard to deal with, sort of a reality check.  I'd never before been with someone when they died.  It's a strange, unexplainable, you have to go through it to get it, feeling.  

Tonight I worked a 12 hour shift that had been a bit crazy from the beginning.  Mostly it was routine stuff but the whole unit was full almost all day long.  I had a few weird cases but nothing too serious.  Then I had a gentleman come in with what he described as groin pain.  Honestly, after talking with him, I thought he pulled a muscle.  Truly, he did too.  I figured we'd get an x-ray just to make sure everything was okay in the hip and then give him some ibuprofen and send him home.  But the x-rays came back and everyone got concerned.  There were "spots".  The guy had metastatic bone cancer.  It was all over his legs.  This guys life just took a 180 because he thought he pulled a muscle in his groin.  

I spent the next few hours with him as everyone sort of scurried to call his doctor, get more x-rays, set up bone scans, etc.  One of the only redeeming qualities of being a student, I don't have to tell patients the bad news.  But I couldn't help but look at him differently.  Try as I may, I couldn't walk into his room with out sorrow written across my forehead.  I offered him coke and graham crackers.  Ridiculous, I know, but I figured if I couldn't cure him at least I could feed him.  

I don't think it will ever get easier.  In fact, I don't really want it to get easier.  I just want to learn to handle it better and not feel so helpless.  If I've learned anything so far it's what an amazing thing the human body is.  So fantastically resilient and yet so utterly fragile.  

Pray for this guy.  He has a long hard road ahead of him!